Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
