Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
