my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
