i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
