Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
