May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
