If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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