im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
