She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
