Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
