dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
