This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
