literally had 100 drinks last night.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
