you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize