im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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