I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
