Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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