I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
