the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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