i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
