sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
