Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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