Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
