Me. At least after what I've been through.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
