I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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