So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
