now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
