i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
