if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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