Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
