It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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