he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
