Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
