you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize