i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
