My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
