New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
