No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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