I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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