When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
