I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
