Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize