he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
