You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
