I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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