One girl and one boy is just not enough.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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