Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
