Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Sorry about my life...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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