i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
