I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
