Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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