Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
