dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
