dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
