Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
