Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize