If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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