hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Drunk is a universal language darling
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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