We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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