I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Randomize