She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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